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[05 May 2004|06:28pm] |
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mood |
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 high |
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My baby boy is herre and wese about to eat us so,me burgers as soon as he gerts back withem' yummy! Its crown burgers and i love crown burgers! Yes I do!!! I loveWill too! He's the hottest most bestest boyfriend out therte!! woo hoo!! I'm a lucky girl!! Well yah sooo hmm well Im done peace out**
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| things will get better |
[04 May 2004|10:20pm] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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I'm starting to realize something, I have changed. I don't know if I like it or not. I want to be independent and what you said I was but how can I, there's something tying me down in my way. But it's something that I love with all my heart. Well not all because the other half belongs to you. Why can't you love me now I stil aam the same only I have love for something else, somebody else also. I love you and I love him, I am different but that's what growing and figuring out who you are is. I'm just searching, I'm not trying to hurt you or fuck myself over, I'm just searching for what ME is. Just tell me you will always love me know matter what, even if I become a lesbian or something. Just tell me you'll hold my hand when I get my belly button peirced and you'll always be there for me no matter what. Because all those things I have done and will always do for you.
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| half of me is slowly fading |
[02 May 2004|06:11pm] |
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I'm a horrible person
what do i do? what can i say? They have it in there mind that I've changed to much to be who I was well maybe they're right but what kind of friend are you to just say fuck you and leave me in the cold? I don't understand friendships what are they anyway? MAn fuck talking in code. I don't understand why you left I was soo excited about seeing you, eerything seemed like old times but I guess you don't want things to be like they were... We were gonna live together and go to UT but now you plan on going to some college soo far away.I don't have anything against that its your life do what you want. But I was serious about needing you and now that you don't want to be around me I don't know what I'lkl do fuck anything else, chicks before dicks. without you there is no me.... The two people I needed the most were in that car wreck with me. One died, the other continued to grow with me and help guide me, now without her I'm lost
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| hmmm |
[26 Apr 2004|10:34pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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So just now at this very minute, I realized, I have no idea where I the fuck I'm going in life. Do I really want to be a nurse? I honestly don't know! What the fuck am I gonna do? Wow! I watched Frida earlier and her passion for what she did was sooo strong! I want that!I want to have a passion for something! I don't love theater enough, I'm not really good at dancing, actually I suck at anything that doesn't involve shaking of the ass, ummm well I guess if I had done the smart thing and auditioned for vocals or cello instead of theater I would have a passion but noooo I had to be dumb and go for theater!! I really need to figure out my future! I honestly can say that's something I honestly hardly ever think about, the future. That's why sometimes if I'm like hey spend the night so and so and then on Saturday I make some other plans, it's because I live on a day to day basis and forget a lot, the future scares me. I know that can really piss people off so I TRY really hard not to do that! BUT Coop is calling soo peace!!
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| at school bored |
[23 Apr 2004|10:35am] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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Good day everyone! Today is my family birthday and I am very very exciteD! Mr Willy is going to meet my entire family except for my super hot cousin (woo hoo hahaha) and her family because she has a drill team try out thing for captains and co-captains and shit sooooo yeah! I'm kinda nervous that he's meeting everyone, I hope he likes my family and doesn't think that they're tooo weird! My family is weird! My pepa smokes a pipe (I plan to steal one of them for myself hehehe) and looks like sherlock holmes and he burps SOOOO loud!He also had colon cancer so now a lot of his intestines are missing so he can't wait to go to the bathroom or something might.... happen. haha. My mema shrieks a lot and likes to kiss you and hug you, she's really sweet though. She just had a stroke and was in the hospital but she's a lot better now! Those are my moms parents. My grandad is soo cool I look up to him he's like the closest to a father figure in my life soo I try really hard not to dissapoint him.My granma is the best cook in the world, I worry a lot about her because lately she's been really foregetful... but she got tested and her brain is working just fine they say. OK so my dads brother and his family are really cool. My uncle Donal is a musician and he works out at Scarborough fair playing the wine glasses while my aunt Karen is a professional hair braider, they have a son named.. Fergus yes it's unique and quorky, it's celtic for STRONG HANDSOME MAN haha I guess I know what Fergus is gonna turn out like! He's sooo cute! I love him! My dad's sister's family can't make it cause they live in New York but they sent me some flowers!! HEHEHEHE My moms sisters family are cool too. My aunt Joyce is a bankrupcy lawyer so they're rollin' in the dough. She likes me a lot she's always said that I'm her favorite neice... hehe and then my Uncle David does something with airplanes, he's really uptight and is always fighting with.. my cousin Kate is in love with horses, she owns a horse, I think it's her third, and she like rides it in shows and stuff. I went on a cruise with her this summer and I really got to know her like the real her. The only thing with her is that she is always fighting with... my cousin Jon is sweet, Will's little sister Laura is excited to meet him cause they're the same age! Hahahah that would be funny if they like got together, keep it the family! hahah but anyway, I know my family doesn't sound that weird but they are! ONce they're all together you would see! My moms side is just really really LOUD! My dads side is just weird in their own way! But its a good way I wouldn't want any other family. That's why whoever my husband is better not always make me spend Christmas and all the Holidays with HIS family cause I LOVE MY FAMILY!! It's soo cool that I'm so close to all my cousins. On my moms side I'm right smack in the middle, I have to older girls (barely though) above me and two younger boys below me. On my dads side I'm the oldest grandchild. It's cool being the oldest because the three younger girls all kind of look up to me. I think especially my cousin Eva, she's 14 and trying to figure out who she is I think. She's a cutie, she even started playing the cello after she saw me perform in 8th grade, I like that she looks up to me I think it makes me work harder at being a good influence. But yeah well I just realized how much I just talked about my family! hahaha I bet nobody reads the entire thing,o well I'm bored in design class got nothing to do soo yeah! well peace out*
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[21 Apr 2004|10:53pm] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
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Well this was a great birthday day!!!!! I love WIll soo much, he's the perfectest boyfriend, I don't think I could want anything more! But soo me, my mom, paul, Willybear, and Hainey all went toChilis it was fun! Me and HGannah reminisced on old memories hahah like calling sex hotlines on my 7th birthday or whenever it was ( it was a longgg time a go I sware!!!) and Will was the sweetest baby ever!!! WE went out to "our spot" in my front yard... he's sooooooooo perfect!! Man! I love Will!! O yeah sooo yesterday was my pre party and also 4/20 we went to Gordons and cazzed!! woo woo!! it was soo much fun and I rolled my first blizzunt and it was good Will didn't even believe that I did it!! but yuh! Man I HEART Will!!!
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| b-day!!! |
[21 Apr 2004|11:47am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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Today is my birthday!! Yes it is! It's my birtday an dI'm 16 years old!! ISn't that the coolest thing ever? I'm 16 two more years and I'll be 18 5 more years and I'll be 21 10 more years and ill be 26!! GOD life sure does fly by! So yesterday wasss sooo fun!! I went to gordons... man I can't finish the bell rang!!! ttyl!
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[21 Apr 2004|11:45am] |
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Today is my birthday!! Yes it is! It's my birtday an dI'm 16 years old!! ISn't that the coolest thing ever? I'm 16 two more years and I'll be 18 5 more years and I'll be 21 10 more years and ill be 26!! GOD life sure does fly by! So yesterday wasss sooo fun!! I went to gordons... man I can't finish the bell rang!!! ttyl!
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[19 Apr 2004|10:41pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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Sooo last night was F-ing weird as hell, I don't remember parts cause I had been drinking but I just remember telling my om everything that I've wanted and needed to say for the longest time. Wow, I'm so emotionally drained right now, It think efvery one of my friends are in the same mood as me. The best way to describe it for me is that I'm not inside my body I have know how idea who I am, what I want to do with life, what I wasnt to with.. with anything. But the funny part is that I honestly do not care at all. If Will were to call me and tell me that it was over, I WOULD NOT CARE!! If... I don't know but all I know is that I don't care, it's like I want to but I've realized that you can't always have what you want. Because of last night I'm gonna start therapy again. I went to therapy for three years for my dad, and I don't know if it helped me at all. But I was thinking the best way to explain to Jane (my therapist) how I feel is to remind her of the first thing I ever did with her. The first day that I walked in she sat me at this little sandbox type thing and told me to make something with all the little figures and toys she had aroound it. Well I made this scene where two coffins were in the middle and one was closed while the other one was open, and all around the coffins I put ambulances and anything you would find at the scene of a car wreck. Well the reason I put two coffins was because I was saying when he was killed and put in that coffin I dyed a little bit too, it's like I was put in the coffin also. But the way I feel right now is that the lid of my coffin is sliding shut, and that I'm getting closer and closer to... I don't know
you can't question and contemplate forever
get off your ass and find some fucking answers already!
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| who knows |
[18 Apr 2004|11:13pm] |
I can't believe I said everything I said tonight, you will never know
what i feel what pain i go through
you wont ever know what it was like to get in a crash and lose
the influence in your life
he's gone i will never ever be able to accept it
i wish i could but
never
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| I don't even know anymore |
[11 Apr 2004|09:56pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
] |
I can't believe things have deteriorated to this level
where you can't pick up the phone to call me and say
you still love me and still care
I can't believe it's all over, the happiness we shared
I remember the first night
I remember when you kissed me for the first time
I remember the roof on st. patricks day
I wish you meant it when you said you loved me
\what is lovew who knows
just some chemical that makes people crazy
The problem is I still love you and I know that unlike other boys
my love for you is true I love you and care but
you don't
because if you did you would have called
I'm tired of hurting
it is your fault
it sucks that you control me
you decide wheter I'm happy or sad or mad or whatever
when did this happen
when did you take over me
when did you blindfold me so I couldn't see what was happening
you've got me on a leash and I'm your lap dog
I do little tricks for you and comfort you when your upset
where the fuck is my comfort?
WHy can't things go back to how they were
I miss you so much why don't you miss me
call me please call me
tell me you love me as much as I do
tell me you'll stop smoking for me
tell me you'll do whatever I want you to
tell me you can't live without seeing me everyday
tell me when you close your eyes you see me
and when you hear my voice you feel me
and when you dream you can touch me
and when you see me you die
because all those things I feel for you
It pisssses me off that I just can't forget everything and say
who gives a fuck
I honestly thought that I could do that
what the fuck was I thinking
now it's like your a drug
and I'm addicted
and your slowly killing me
well killing who I was
your killing me on the inside
and making me hallow
so when people look into my eyes
they won't see anything
they won'y see the sparkle
they won't see the pain
they will see a blank picture
and a girl who was once a person
but now she's your slave
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| psshhh |
[11 Apr 2004|04:17pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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Last night was fun. I wish that I hadn't passes out so early. I told them that Drizzle makes me super sleepy but nobody listened to me. Sorry if I was a big bitch Victoria, this weekend has been very upseting for me and I was taking out my built up emotions on you. I LOVE YOU!! Brinainey is sooo sexy and she so does not look like a boy! AT ALL! I think she's one hot mother fucker. But yeah I hope they had fun, I hate it when people come over and they don't have fun... Usually everybody has fun, I hope they did. :) But yuh I went and ate at my moms sisters little country club place, and that was some good eatin'. I don't want to go to school mannn I hate school so much, I hate life, everything can sucka nigga dick.
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[26 Mar 2004|11:23pm] |
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mood |
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 ANGRY |
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GODD!! Life pisses me off! I just wrote a whole entry in my little "live journal" and it got erased because I was trying to upload a stupid picture! Can anyone help me? I have no idea how to do it and Ir eally want to!!!
Why do I love you
you bring tears
your bring bitterness
you make me scream
you make me worry
but,
you make me laugh
you make me smile
you bring hugs
you bring kisses
you make me high
you make me whole
that's why
I love you
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[25 Feb 2004|10:18pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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Today was ok. School sucked. I really really want to leave I just don't know where to go. If I went to Woodrow I would be with my Hainey and that would kick major ass but I would have to readjust and all that shit. God why is life soo confusing? Willy really pisses me off sometimes but I loooovveee him, I just wonder sometimes if he's telling me everything. But soooo yeah I got locked out of the house sooo I got to chiill with Hannah the hottest lady in the world and we did nothing but laugh about the dumbest things. I love her soo much. She is one person who I know I always have! Well enough of this shiznit peace out playas...
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| Rain |
[23 Feb 2004|05:19pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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The rain is beautiful. Sometimes I wish everyday could be like this. Rain makes me happy, it brings life. Something I've always believed is that rain is angels crying, but only every once in a while it's Angels shedding tear of sadness, when it rains it's the angels shedding tears of joy. I love rain.
When I close my eyes I see you
When I hear your voice I feel you
When I dream I can touch you
When I see you I die
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[17 Feb 2004|09:46pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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Today was very weird. Do you ever get in those moods where one minute your laughing and the next your like sobbing? THat happened to me today, I was just sitting therea and crrrazzy Oscar said something or something and then I started to laugh but then I started to cry and I started to laugh again.... It was really weird. I've been in that kind of mood like since Sunday! It really sucks... SOOO Poofy is really cute if I didn't have a boyfriend I would deffinately sayyy HEYYYY boy! hahaha but yeah only Britt knows what I'm talking about even though it's kind of obvious... But yeah I hope this mood goes away or else I might goooo CRAZYYYY!!!!
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| selfish |
[16 Feb 2004|11:28pm] |
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mood |
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restless |
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This is a poem I wrote recently about my dad it's called selfish:
I could write for hours, just about life, and me
I’m selfish I don’t understand that there’s just so much to see
I see my life and see what a loser I am but it doesn’t matter
I strive to make my piers laugh and see what I want them to see
don’t look to close please don’t see the pain and suffering deep inside me
I want to scream
Smile
I complain because I’m human and that’s what we do best
I know nothing about poverty
I’ve lost an influence, a great man, a great father and husband
but I hardly knew him
I was eight
red death trap so tiny compared to that horrific deadly evil pentagon
who knew it would happen
who knew you’d leave me so fast
what was it like growing up with two parents
Id like to know
tragic accident but not so tragic compared to other stories
I miss that guy so much
but I’m selfish he’s missed by mom and uncle and granfather and aunt and
students and grandmother and fans who listened religiously to
that sweet tune you made come out of simple wine glasses
my favorite song is a Kelsi number
typical, I wonder if you’re still around
watching every stumble, fall, and leap I make
I wonder if you see mom cry deep in the night because of me
I wonder if you see me cry because of some little imperfection in my life
I wish things were perfect
I wish you were hear singing a lullaby
scratching my back
I wish I could trace the lines of the figures and letters on the back of your shirt
once more a tear is shed over you
I am selfish because I want you in my life
when all of your pain and suffering has been brought to a close
and you’re probably fishing with great grandma Eva like you used to do when
you were young and as pure as I was when I was that age
Why were you takin’ away
why is there so much anger and hatred in my heart towards that poor girl
whose life was altered because of her choice to run that light
she had no intention of doing what she did
yet that selfish part of me who wants to point a wounded broken finger at someone, points it at her
I am broken
it’s no one’s fault
shit happens
I am left with a memory
of you sitting at your chair
that tattered, beat up, loved chair
watching the mavs, your fave
smokin’ a cigerette
merits which they don’t make anymore
but its not you smoking a cigerette watching the mavs in your tattered but loved chair deep within our cottage our home
that I remember the most
its the way you would turn away from the tv to play some stupid game
with me
wrap me up like a tortilla
in the bed that should have been you and moms love nest
but instead was my protector from the night
I wonder how much alike we are
if we have anything in common
I wish I remembered you’re voice
I’m so lucky you made memories for me
with that old out of date video camera
that was super-glued to your hand
when any and every family event occured
what a unique awesome guy
I sit hear and listen to your cd
the way you take ordinary wine glasses and turn them into music with your
brother, future celebrity in my eyes, his voice adding to the unique style and just pure beauty of the songs
I remember popping popcorn over a fire with Jenny
a daughter of one your “stories over the cyber campfire” buddies
I remember looking up to her and wanting to impress her and wanting to be
just like her
when in actuallity
now I just want to be like you
how many characteristics do I posess that are some what similar to what you
were like
I hope and wonder that if you were alive you would be proud
If we would have paused for a fifth of a second and not been hit by that
suburban and life had just gone on normal would I be the same as I am today
or would I be happy
I am happy most of the time but what if, just what if you were here
would life be better
or would I just not understand how important you are
and hate you as every adolescent does
would I yell at you for taking to long in the bathroom
would I tell you to fuck off
would I utter the words “I hate you” under my breath when you told me I couldn’t go out with friends
I will never know because your fishing with Eva and discussing God, life and what not with great grandad and Dino
I want you here with me
come back please
I want you to help guide me in the right direction
I am selfish
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| who cares |
[16 Feb 2004|11:13pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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Brittany iss hottt!!! hmm I don't know what to write. I'm one lucky beyatch because I have Britt and she helped me figure out how to start this thing because I'm to dumb to figure it out. OK well I'm done. Peace out playa
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